I find myself  often questioning wither or not our son is in any kind of pain. I know what kind I am in and it is a nightmare. He has been through so much, I don’t understand how he couldn’t not be in some kind of pain. Wither it comes from where he was cut on several times or wither his esophagus ever hurts. I often wonder what things feel like for him wondering the thought that are going through his small smart little filled head.  I don’t want any of my kids to ever worry about anything or to be in pain.

It all began to hurt when I was pregnant with Lucian and then over the last two 1/2 years I have gotten much much worse and for some reason very quickly.  What is my definition of worse? Well I have always been able to go go go and never stop until i was ready. My body never hurt until I quit working. And now it doesn’t matter I hurt all of the time. I feel like someone has took a sledge hammer to my bones in my arms legs feet and hands and knee’s. I get the worst numbness in my hands and arms. I dread getting into any type of hot water because it feels like someone is poking me with a thousand needles. Cold absolutely makes my body ache. I have been seeing dots, I am clumsy. I find myself tripping and dropping shit all the time. I am annoyed so annoyed. I can sit here and ask why me all day long. Why me with 4 kids and a family, why me I am such a caring person why but I will never get any answers because know one knows that.

I am now on more medicines than years that my daughter has been alive. I am not a pill person at all so that alone is something that is hard to deal with.

I will admit I didnt have much information on this disease that I have. But after seeing all the different physicians that I have saw in the last week. Everyone one of them keep telling me the same things it is only going to get worse. I guess in my head and deep down in my heart I keep hoping they are going to tell me it is something different. Something that wont eventually not make be not be able to move.

I don’t want to be the Guinna pig for new medicines for fibromyalgia. I have been told so many things. I have been told that fibromyalgia and ms are commonly confused with each other. I was also told that people with fibromyalgia tend to develop ms in 1 to 3 years down the road.

I am also being referred to a couple other specialist because on top of that they think there might be some other type of underlying issue.

I am currently taking Lyrica. It is a new medication that just came out to try and mask the symptoms of fibromyalgia. However there is no cure for fibromyalgia. I think that is another thing that is hard for me to grasp is that there is nothing out there that can take this away from me. Like cold medicine you can take it it masks the symptoms then in a few days your cold is gone. No the case in this situation. I am also being tested for rheumatoid arthritis.

Anyways so I am currently taking Lyrica and they started me at 25mg 2 times a day. They are now upping it to 150mg. 3 times a day. On top of already being fatigued and tired just in general. I am so exhausted from doing my normal daily routines now this medicine makes me extremely tired. I am also on a anti~ inflammatory as well as well as a anxiety medicine  and a pain medicine. Now they are wanting to put me on a anti depressant as well and I am just not having it. the only thing that is depressing it not having physicians listen to you. It is my body I know how I feel I know what I have tried. I know how I felt for the last almost 3 years and how I have felt on and off the symptoms I have had and the medicines that I have tried that worked for along time and then stopped working.  I have taken so many anti inflammatories in the past that they bother my stomach very badly.

On top of already not wanting to eat or having the feeling that i am even hungry at all. I feel nauseated. But I think that is from the lyrica. My head feels all weird. I just dont feel myself at all.

I am tired  of being in pain. They gave me a small amount of morphine and toroidal in a shot at the hospital and it took forever but it atleast took the edge off of my pain. I have tried vicodin, darvocett,codeine,toroidal,and none of it helps me at all. And for the past two years I have lived off of ibuprofen and Tylenol and Excedrin and naproxin and things like that.

They are also wanting me to do a ton of things that are just absolutely impossible for me to do.  Like go have push therapy done and Swedish massages. They are wanting me to get into a foot doctor because since I have been hurting for so long it has  messed up my posture and I walk funny so I have to get really good shoes with orthopedics.

I have found my self not being able to work like what i could well I guess I can but when I am done I feel like I am going to die. I  have  had to write this in sessions because it hurts my hands arms and fingers to bad. And my computer chair hurts my back as well. Something I used to enjoy so much is no longer on one of my priorities because it hurts to bad.

I never realized how hard it is to get a  physician to listen to you if it is not something simple that just shows up on a test. You kind of just get shrugged off like your just crazy, but when really deep down your not crazy. It is a pain I can’t explain. My arms always have dull aches all the way up and down them all the way into my fingers. My fingers are hard to bend all the time and I have sour spots all over my body that are very tender if you touch them in the right spot.  I have headaches, and like right now I feel so tired I am going to have to close my eyes. It makes me frustrated I DONT like feeling tired at all and its like no matter how much coffee I drink it doesn’t help me at all.

But it doesn’t matter now because I am not so posed to have coffee. Coffee is a stimulant and it attacks my system. There is so much it is very overwhelming on top of everything else we have going on.

I tell myself it could be alot worse. But in all reality I ask myself could it? I have gone from a perfectly healthy 26 year old to this pretty much not very mobile. Lots of pain, not being able to hold on to things like I could be for. My vision is affected, my strength, my brain even feels weird because of all the medicine I am on and the only thing I get is you my as well get used to it because your going to be on them the rest of your life.

How am I soposed to feel? Am I still soposed to be happy? I’m not right now, I just want this to be al one big nightmare. Atleast before I could go on and do the things i needed to do. But not lately for the last week. I have either been in the hospital at a doctors office or in bed.

I can’t even do the things I enjoy the most and it is  not because I am depressed if one more person tells me I am depressed or in denial I am gonna wire there mouth shut. I am so sick of hearing that crap. I can’t do the things I used to enjoy because some of those things make me hurt.

I  have been off work a couple days because I have been in the hospital and I go back to work tomorrow I am making myself I just am scared I don’t know how it is going to be my head is so messed up right now.  I can’t even explain it.

It has now taken me most of the day to get out what i want to say which something like this uninterrupted would only take me about an hour.  It makes me have so many feelings. Mad, sad, hate, the feeling of being incomplete, feeling empty and alone because no one else around you understands what you are feeling as much as they say they do.

I guess I just wonder why god is putting me through so much?

Things I am determined to do even if they kill me in the process.  Take care of my kids, they need me. Finish my schooling that i am just about getting ready to start. It makes me wonder about my profession. Not in a bad way just wondering if i might want to change it to something a bit more interesting. I am determined in keeping a clean house and working my job or jobs just as I always have. I am also determined on being able to drive even though at times it is hard, I usually try not to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to.

Things I am tired of. Obviously being in pain. Being weak, muscle spasms,stiff joints, not having an appetite, being tired all the time that really bothers me, not having any energy at all, the blurred vision, the tingling and numbness, the headaches, I could probably go on with more things but I think you get the point. I am just sick of it.

I have so much going on already right now and that alone is enough to make me upset. Then I question so many other things. I wonder if all the medicine they are putting me on is even going to do anything or if it alone is just going make my condition worse. I have done so much research on some of these medicines and went to so many forums and so many people have issues with them some of which I have.  I dont know one day at a time is how I have been taking it but getting through one day is tough enough let alone about thinking about ones in the future. The emotions and thoughts that are going through my head no one will ever know. I will never let them escape the deep hollow hole I call a brain right now.

So I am going to try and do this. Try and type it is so hard though. My fingers dont want to cooperate with me at all.

I am not going to lie I am not feeling myself.. I have so much going on. And now I am sick and with a diagnosis that there is no cure for. I have spent the last three days in and out  of doctors offices hospitals and on lots of medicine. I think we counted I laid down at about 1pm and slept for about 20 hours and when I awoke I felt like I  had not slept at all. Plus I was laying on the couch because I was in so much pain and on so much medicine. Travis said I was moaning all night long.

They just started me on a whole mess of different medicines. I think I counted 6 so far. And they are not even done with me yet. I have never been a medicine person so this is super hard. And on top of that I have felt bad for quite awhile now about 2 1/2 years but just never had the time to get my self checked out and now lately I have been hurting so bad and having so many other symptoms like, fatigue,tingling and numbness in my arms legs and fingers, blurred vision, dizzy spells, loss of balance, short term memory loss bad, that is what bothers me the most I think. I can be talking about something and less than 5 minutes later I am totally baffled because I cant remember.

The cold and the heat bother me, I have horrible headaches, I get lumps and swelling in certain  parts of my arms legs knees, feet, hands and fingers. Some times I cant walk or pick something up other times I am just very weak but I hurt all the time. Alot of the time I feel better if I just go and go and go it’s when I stop going that I feel horrible.

I have a loss of appetite. i could care less if I eat half the time. There are so many other things as well but my fingers are not going to allow me to type that much. I just want to feel better. But after going to the hospital today I am pretty much informed that this is something I am going to be living with for the rest of my life. That is something that is hard to grasp at the age of 26 you know.

I can’t help but ask why me? What did I do to deserve this. I have a family I have to take care of. As much as I just want to give up I have to keep going for them. Lucian and Silas Lexi are doing great Jordan broke his top permanent tooth off when he fell at grandmas and busted his tooth on the hard wood floor. Got him in to the dentist and now he has to have a root canal and have it capped. Currently looking for a dentist that takes his insurance.

Other than that you know the rest of the busy routine it is all still the same with therapist and appointments and work and so on. It never slows down. I am still determined that through all of this I am going to go ahead and go on with the rest of my schooling.

So I found out the reason I drink so much coffee is because I feel so tired and that is from either the ms or the fibromyalgia.  But I am just taking one day at a  time thats all I can do but it is getting late and I am hurting so I am going to try and lay down. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

So finally am taking the time to update my site, wow! I can honestly say about time huh? One other thing I can honestly say is, that since I last updated my site I have learned alot and I mean ALOT.

So I guess things are ok. Always have alot going on. I am a very busy person.I never really used to be busy until I had Lucian. But I have come to terms with that. I love my kids more than anything in this world and there is not a thing I wouldn’t do for them.

The kids are all doing very well. Lexi and Jordan excited to be out of school. Lucian and Silas just doing the kid thing. Except Lucian starts school here soon to! I think it is really going to help him out. Silas is just working on cutting some major teeth. He is crawling every where. He gets to where he wants to go that’s for sure. Hard to believe he is already going on 8 months old.

I am currently looking for a second job just haven’t found anywhere that is yelling hey go apply there. Something will come up. I have options I just really don’t want to use them to be honest but it is good money. I am enrolled in school starting July! I am so excited to just start getting it out of the way. And I get to take an extra free class!

Lets see what else. I had to got to the doctor. So all the pain I have been having gin my muscles has gotten really bad. So I did go and they referred me to a neurologist they think I might have probable ms. So I went to my first neurology appointment today I had a ton more blood work done today as well. I am also scheduled for another mri as well as a emg study. And then we go from there.

I don’t sleep much. When I do I either fall asleep from like 8 or 9 to midnight and then am up the rest of the night and the whole next day. Or I get to go to bed at 2 and have to be up by 4:30am to go to work. And in between those times I usually wake up with silas several times . It’s just sleep right. It never killed anyone to go with out it eventually you just crash out then people realize you cant go any more I do it about ounce every two weeks.

I don’t even consume the amount of coffee I used to and I still stay awake. I seriously amaze myself most of the time. I can honestly say I have learned myself as a person very well. I do love myself. You have to love your self before you can love anyone else first right?

I have also learned that even though your there for people and they say they will be there for you doesn’t always mean they will. In general people are so quick to holler if they need something but when you need something really need something it is a completely different story.

I have also learned that friends come and go. I have learned not to trust so easily. Not to let your guard down so quickly. I am tired of being hurt. Hurt by everyone. I am tired of being taken advantage of and taken for granted.

You know they always say” you don’t know what you got til it’s gone”. I say it holds very true.

I have been through alot in my life time more than the majority of people have and I still came out a good person through it all. And through it all as much as I have wanted to just give in and give up I never have I have always kept going. And I always will because that’s me. I sat and thought along time about the things that I am.. I came up with alot of things. To name a few of the important ones. Caring, understanding,empathetic, smart,kind, loving, passionate, honest, and trustworthy. I have also learned that I tend to care alot more than I probably should about alot of things. I have also decided that I am not going to make anyone a priority that won’t make me a priority.

If I am just an option to them then forget it. i don’t need that. i need to be around people that truly care for me and my kids. People that are going to be there for me when I need them. Ones that want to be around me when it’s not just a  convenience to them.

I have thought about alot of things and I think alot of things have gotten alot more clearer for me. Realizing who I need to make a priority in my life and who shouldn’t be. Realizing that there comes a point in your life that your really lucky if you end up with one true friend all through out life.

I have began to sort out alot of feelings lately to. I seriously think it might sound horrible but I am not looking for anyone but a few elective people. If you have to question if you are one of those people than apparently you really don’t belong in my life because the true ones know where they belong. In my heart and right beside me through thick and thin.

O there is so much. I have to cut it short for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

I was made to love you and this i know without a doubt

if this weren’t true’ we would never have met and our path’s

would have went another route.

but as fate would have it ,life’s journey has brought me to

you and since the moment we met i’d never be the same

again this i know.

ever since that day you have never left my mind, your a

person so exceptional,and rare, a soul mate I was truly blessed

to find.

everyone finds that special someone ,this i believe to be true

and i’ve found the person i’m lookin for ‘my special someone

is you.

So research shows it’s rarely beneficial to suppress feelings when hurt. If we make a habit of holding back feelings, they eventually get stuffed deep inside and become a toxin. This can have a negative impact on our overall well-being.

Crying is a form of cleansing and an outward expression of what one is feeling. Tears can often say, what we otherwise, cannot verbalize. Sometimes tears are the catalyst to open up a dialog, with someone whom you need to understand, your feelings.

A habit of stuffing feelings inside can become so profound that a person fears expressing themselves in any manner. They become a prisoner within their own prison. To live with joy and comfort, a person needs to be able to be themselves and this includes being able to express their feelings. A lot of anxiety is created when a person hides this important part of themselves – their feelings. It’s also important, from the aspect that we can’t know a person completely, unless they show us who they truly are, tears and all.



I have been pretty busy lately with just life in general. Everything is so hectic right now. If it is not one thing it is another. I have been trying to get stuff done around the house and some how we ended up getting rid of like 12 bags of old clothes and toys to good will. It felt good in alot of ways. I know I wasn’t throwing away stuff people could use and I was cleaning out our house at the same time. I just never realized how hard it is with two little ones. Lucian he is on a war path it is absolutely insane some times ok well most of the time. The things he does… Like tries to play in the toilet , loves to throw things in the toilet. He is on this major biting kick right now and I am not to crazy about it all. He bit Lexi’s stomach and drew blood. He has bitten Silas on the cheek. He has bit my finger and he has bit Travis a couple of times as well. Bless his heart I want him to bite just on food not people.

I think he is getting ready to maybe want to start potty training he has been taking off his diaper alot. Especially when he is wet. He is so funny he fallows you around the house like a lost puppy yelling things trying to get out new words. But when he is not biting he is trying to rip anything down off a shelf he can. He rips Lexi’s dresser drawers out including his own and then puts clothes all over.

We are at a weight halt with him 22lbs 6 ounces so we have got to get up over that it is very important.

As for Silas he is doing well. He is learning new things every day. he says mama dada ,baba, and what sounds to be like hi!  He is growing like a weed. I notice new things about him all the time. He is eating baby food now and loves sweet potatoes. He loves attention from anyone he can get it from lol!  He can sit up all by himself and he is seriously trying to crawl. Our baby is getting so big so fast. He is also trying to get some teeth. He is chewing on everything. But other than that all is good with him.

Lucian has to have surgery on May 13th. he is having tubes put in his ears and his adenoids taken out. It makes me pretty nervous because they are putting him to sleep and the last time they put him to sleep with the vent they said he could have a chance of not coming off of it, However that was along time ago so I am sure he will be just fine. Look at me I said along time ago like it was years and years ago when in all reality it was just 2 years ago. When Lucian turns three all of our services in home therapy will stop and we will have to take him every where he needs to go to get his therapy. That my friend is going to suck.  I think I am busy now. Wow! And just like I think I am busy now with Lucian wait until Silas is crawling every where and then I have them both to keep track of! Not that it matters little Silas is rolling every where he gets to where he wants to go that’s for sure.

Lexi and Jordan are doing well. Both in school and at home. As for me my schedule has not changed much. i still go  on like 2 to 4 hours of sleep a night. I go all day long with out a nap and I am proud of myself I don’t drink coffee anymore and if I do it is just a couple of cups and they last me a long time. I will be honest it is not easy on me at all. Half of the time I feel like after 9pm I am just done for. Like last night I fell asleep with Silas in my arms sitting up in my computer chair.  I find my self dozing sitting up all the time. It’s funny I catch myself and jump almost. But every day I make it. I go to bed knowing I am only going to get a couple hours of sleep and the new day is right around the corner and I am ok with that. I get alot more done that way. I sometimes don’t do my house work until int he middle of the night or before I go to work. I know I can get things done with out my little si si crying or Lucian ripping out what I pick up but I can count on it being out when I get home. It’s inevitable he is two! So i have decided I am cleaning house I am getting rid of anything I don’t use on a daily basis or if I haven’t used it in the last past month. Chances are if I haven’t I probably wont be using it.  So it goes. Like I used to save all the kids clothes they out grew not anymore. I know we are not having anymore kids so there is no need to keep it at all.

As for other things in my life I am just trying to figure it all out. I have alot of plans and it is just figuring out what to put first. The book is starting to open and all the pages are starting to turn. I now know I will get there it is just figuring out what to put first and just taking care of it all. Start with the first thing and move down the list. Keep checking things off until they are gone. But I have got to get off of here for now and get some things done and I will be back with updates again soon.

I am a victim of many things. First and for most not updating my website like I should. I do apologize I have been so busy with everything the day is gone before I know it.  Silas keeps me very occupied. Lucian as well as he has hit the terrible two’s stage. He is just making up for lost time though. Silas is getting a little bit better but I think he is some what   spoiled. We had the  gi  appointment and we had the swallow study as well as the egd.All came out normal. So that is tons of good news. But we are waiting on the biopsy’s to get back to confirm everything and they said that takes about a week. So we will see I am beginning to think  the prevcid is either helping or he is just spoiled rotten, He knows some how when your sitting even if you keep him moving it is crazy and he acts like he is asleep.

Lucian, and I as well as Silas have all been sick with bad colds, congestion and a cough the boys actually had fevers pretty high ones Silas’s got up to 104.2. I had a hard time getting it to drop below 100.5.

Seems they are doing better atleast they are not running the fevers any more. They are still coughing and have runny noses. They had a great Easter. I hope everyone else had a great Easter as well.

I have had so much on my mind. Some times it is so hard to stay positive.  I have alot of issues going on that I can not share. I mean I could but I’m just not going to because it is the right thing to do!  I have alot of feelings that I am trying to unscramble, I am having a really hard time with it. I love my family so much they are my everything’s. I have been feeling like I am going to have panic attacks and they are at the weirdest times. I am having a hard time eating. I just flat plain feel exhausted. I mean it has to get better at some point right? If I could just pour out all my feelings I couldn’t even  begin to tell you what they would all be, Over whelmed is the first thing I guess. Tired,mentally and physically exhausted, from just sitting and thinking about everything. I mean I guess I shouldn’t worry everything has worked out this far. I guess what is meant to be is meant to be right? Someone tell me that that is the way it is so post to be… You can’t change what has happened or even what is going to happen for that matter. But how to you unscramble feelings. Things to get things accomplished but no yet succeeding.  I have no doubt that i will succeed. Just maybe not as soon as I would like. I have been trying to cut alot of the coffee that I drink and so I feel exhausted all the time. I was trying to out weigh the pro’s and the con’s well I try and do that with everything probably more than I should. But  if I drink to much coffee on an empty stomach it makes me sick to my stomach. But if I don’t drink it then I feel so tired. I guess I am just hoping that one of these days my head will clear and things will get easier. Things seem so tough right now it feels like my world has crumbled in a million pieces. I am still on the right side of the dirt so I guess that is a plus huh? Anyways we found out that Silas has to have a stage one nipple or else he silently aspirates his formula. So I guess atleast we know. But anyways he is a awake now so I am going to need to get off of here.  I have put off posting anything for like days and continued and continued my post but I thought it was just time to get it done. I’ll be posting again soon.