Boy am I still trying to figure it all out. I find myself getting so irritated with myself, because I still really haven’t figured it all out. It is almost like a balancing game. I mean with four kids. It is so crazy at our house sometimes. I guess it maybe is like that for all parents of four. I don’t know. I haven’t talked to any to find out. I know for me it’s like you have three and you have two hands so you always balance something extra or atleast I could. But then you have four and it’s like oo watch out. I think I only find it so hard sometimes because Lucian is tube fed and is just learning to walk. I had a appointment I had to set up and the lady was like o we can get the boys in at the same time and I was like are you kidding me there is only one of me. I cant carry a baby and a toddler at the same time. mean I could but by the time I got in there I would probably hit the floor because I have the diaper bag and my purse. It would be crazy. I would only do it if I had no other choice. Although I did it with Lexi and Jordan. Jordan could walk when Lexi was 4 months old, completely different situation. It doesn’t matter anyways because that is besides the point. It has nothing to do with the situation now. And the point is, I told that lady she was going to have to make two separate appointments lol. At home it isn’t so bad because Lexi and Jordan can be some what helpful at times very helpful. Like when I am tube feeding Lucian and I am chasing him all around the house and the cup of milk is on the counter one of them will bring it to me. Or just anything really. They have helped me clean up messes of lucians formula when he moves and I am pouring it and it spills. That happens more than you know. I am so thankful for the moments I get to share with my family. I love them so much. I don’t know what I would do with out Travis and my mom and dad. They have helped me so much with Silas. All the crankiness he has gone through. He has gotten alot better and doesn’t seem to be refluxing nearly as badly on this formula with the combo of the medicine. Apart of me thinks the other formula just didn’t go well with the prevcid or something I am not sure I font really have an explanation for it. I guess I can settle with not having one as long as he is better. I am still having him go to the g i doctor and to the swallow study though just to make sure I am not missing anything. Today is a day I need a miracle. I need lots of prayer that everything works out the way it needs to work out. If it doesn’t I don’t know what I am going to do. I guess I don’t have much of a choice. I have to stay strong. Things have to get better and I am ready to start our new year. I am going to have to call the doctor about Lucian because he is still not better he has a runny nose and is very stuffy. They did not give him the right strength antibiotic at all. So we will see what happens. The kids don’t have school today. They go back tomorrow. I guess I should get off of here for now I have lots to take care of but I will be back with updates as soon as I can. Please pray.

I am so exhausted from everything. Exhausted from worry, life, the kids, work, everything. Silas has been very cranky lately. It is like he has his good days and then h has his bad days. Except he has a bad day like every other day. I just feel really bad for him because he is refluxing and he is on medicine for it but I just don’t know what else to do for him. You can hear him gurgling the formula up in his throat he is horse from it and from crying. He stiffens up and all he wants to do is cry. There has got to be another answer. So I am going to call the doctor first thing in the morning. I keep him propped up after he eats for an hour. I don’t even think Lucian refluxes this badly. Of coarse he has the fundoplication so I guess he wouldn’t duh plus he is on medicine. So I wrote part of this yesterday and now I am finishing the rest. I just got home from taking silas to the doctor and nothing is looking positive at the moment.

She got to see exactly what I have been going through. She got to see him stiffen up she got to see him cough and choke and scream and reflux and do the things he has been doing. She said there is not much else she can do for me he is on the most medicine he can be on. I knew she was going to tell me that. So we are getting set up with a g i doctor and doctor rogers lucians surgeon. They are going to check him for a couple of different things. Now I am worried. I have been informed not to have him laying flat at any time unless he is in my eye site and I am watching him because he could stop breathing or could choke. I have been told to switch him back to whatever formula I think he will do best on because no formula is going to take this away. So I don’t know. There is so much to worry about. It wouldn’t be so bad if he would just sleep. But he doesn’t want to sleep at night. Some days are not as bad as others. Last night was horrible. But him not sleeping and then me having to be up at 5am does not always make for a cheerful person. There are just so many things right now that are bothering me. I dont really want to talk about them though either. Some of the things just hurt my feeling. I dont know if it was on purpose or if it was on accident or maybe I just took it the wrong way. I guess it will all sort out eventually. I know that I love my family more than anything. Nothing I haven’t ever said. They are the reason I do the things I do. I guess when it comes down to it I am still trying to figure out how to balance 5 and a dog and work home work the house and my sanity lol. I think things are tough now they could get alot tougher. I sure hope not though. I have had my fair share of punishment in my life it is time that lots of good things start happening for my family. I know there are alot of people out there that have it alot worse than I do. But I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Between Travis and my mom I don’t know what I would do with out them. I drink alot of coffee speaking of which I might have to make me some more. If tonight was like last night I will be having alot more. Travis over slept this morning and so I had to have mom take the kids to school. All that matters is everyone is safe made it to where they needed to and made it home safe. Lexi went to see the little engine that could today for a field trip. Jordan I have been having a hard time with him. He is bring home tons of home work that he should of had done in school and he has been extra sensitive lately to. Coarse I expected a change when I started working again. It has not been as bad as it could be though. He is so hyper. And he has his argumentative moments as well. Which I try to explain to him that what he is saying is not correct and explain it the right way and all he wants to do is argue. I think it got to a point that he realized hey I can bring all my home work home and mom is going to sit next to me and help em so he started doing it all the time, So i had to start having him do it at his desk in his room and then I help him if he has a question and then we go over it when he is done rather than him sitting there expecting me to give him all the answers. It is tough. He is such a picky eater to. I mean like hamburger and most meats as long as they are plain. No vegetables at all. Just french fries. No macaroni and cheese no mashed potatoes nope. he likes apple sauce and apples, watermellon, pb and j’s chips he will eat sausage toast,pancakes waffles, anything like that, its a texture thing he can not stand to have his hands wet his clothes wet or anything. He will not finger pain or stick his hands in anything like that.He rambles alot about nonsense. I am trying to get him to see things clearer like he made the comment well i am just gonna drain all the blood out of my body and we said well you cant do that you body makes blood you have to have it to live. He just didn’t get it. I am glad we got a diagnosis because not knowing what was going on for 8 years has sucked. Now that we know he has autism I can atleast begin to do things to try and improve his life.

Anyways I guess I should get off of here. I have a fussy silas and lots to do.

I guess at this point in my life I really don’t have to many positive things to say. Nothing has gone positive. The only thing I am positive about is my family. I love them so deeply and would do anything for the 5 of them. I feel like my world just stopped spinning and I am hanging on with dear life just about to fall. I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what to say. There isn’t anything anyone can say to make this better. Before this is all over with I will be lucky if I weigh 90lbs. I havent ate anything in two days and I am not hungry and what is the use of eating if all you do is vomit it back up.

My nerves are a wreck. I have been working my butt off. I have worked like the last 6 days straight and most of them were doubles. We need the money so bad right now though. So you have to do what you have to do.

Silas has been so fussy. I just don’t know what to do for him anymore. It is like I have exhausted all my options. We have tried quite a few different formulas, I have tried gas drops,chamomile tea,they put him on zantac for reflux assuming that is one of the issues. She said that some of the things I was describing was reflux. Those things being puking out his nose and mouth now it has gone to just spitting up some, but at the time he was. Coughing after feedings, crying off and on poor sleeping and eating. But since he had stopped the vomiting I thought he was not refluxing he clearly has gas and I mean BAD. He also had the rash on his cheeks. The new formula alamentium is helping with all of that but it says it also helps reduce colic in 24 hours and I have not found that it has helped us one bit. So I called the doctor yesterday and they said they fill the zantac is not working for him like it should be so they switched him to prevcid the same thing that Lucian is on. The only difference is lucian gets one tablet cut in half and gets half int he morning and half at night. Silas only gets a half of one once a day. I just have to dissolve it in a syringe in some water and then squirt it in his mouth verses doing the same but putting it in a g tube feed lol. So I started him on that yesterday and so hopefully it will help and fast because it has been almost days and I have only slept about 6 hours I am running on empty. I just want to get him figured out so that for one he can feel better and for two I can get some rest. I feel so bad for him he just gets stiff as a board and then lets off gas while he is whaling. The crying is the worst at night all threw out the night into mid morning. I have to bounce him just lightly to and pat him on his butt to get him to eat some feeds others he does fine. I have to have him sleep in his seat because other wise he sits up and starts coughing and choking. Looses his bink a million times. But the doctors office said until we get this under control they would rather have him sleep in his seat and not to be laying flat at all. If he refluxes to badly it can cause him to stop breathing. Last night though I saw him do things he has not ever done and it was several hours after the previd. It seemed like the reflux was 10 times worse than it ever has been. I finally get him to calm down and go to sleep and I go to put him down and he whales so i hold him all night only issue my arms go numb and I don’t sleep. I can not sleep while holding a baby I am afraid of to many things. So seriously I thought Lucain was complicated hell it was all laid out for us is how it seems Silas is so cranky and Lucian has gone through so much and is just the happiest kid I have ever seen. I don’t get it. It frustrates me because i don’t know what to do to make him feel better I hate when my kids are upset.

But I am making home made vegi soup for dinner tonight it is so cold out side. We have so much snow and it is blowing every where. Well it did that last night which is the reason why I couldn’t get out to get to work this morning. I was so mad. I need the money so bad so I was not a happy person. Plus I have had Lucians ent appointment scheduled now again fro like the third time so that we can get this sinus ear infection thing under control and we had to call and cancel again today because we were literally snowed in. We currently still are. I am glad that most of lucians serious medical issues are mostly out of the way well there not how they use to be thank god for reasons like this a scare of not being able to get out. So ya I had to call and reschedule and we couldn’t get in til April. I am not a happy mom right now because this can not be put off any longer o but they assured me I can call back daily for an canceled appointments. You know cause i have so much free time on my hands to be able to remember doing that it isn’t a problem. I mean seriously they know we need in as soon as possible so why can’t they just call me if there is an opening. ridiculous if you ask me. Out of all the doctors office I have ever dealt with they have always done that for me. They make a note to call me if there is an opening. I guess he will eventually get there and in the mean time I will have to keep fighting this ear infection bull shit with him and sinus infections and he will have to be on another couple of antibiotics. I already have one from taking him in the other day that I have to get filled because eh is on the verge of another one. Caught this one before it got to bad. But I want to get in there because if he has ear infections all the time that will cause him to walk off balance meaning he is just learning how to walk anyways so if he has an ear infection it is going to make him not want to walk at all. Or he will not be able to. So I need to get this all on the ball. I know I can not help the weather but seriously this sucks. I guess I should just be thankful I am not up in New Jersey or some where like that. An apparently there was an earth quake up north here in Illinois. Said they felt it all the way over in Iowa and Indiana. I never felt it thats for sure. Anyways I have to get off of here. I will be back with more updates when I can .

So I am not sure of the last update I left . Everyone is finally over all this sickness stuff. Silas has been teething which is his big issue thank god for baby orajel, wet washclothes and teething rings and don’t let me forget tylenol every ounce in a blue moon. I am not crazy about giving him tylenol yet so we just stick to the baby orajel. It seems to be doing the trick and his top gums are just as lumpy as can be. Poor little guy that has to suck.

Lucian is doing much better all sickness gone ear infection gone and all is good besides he is still teething to. He is getting so big so fast. He is babbling all kinds of new words and is really starting to get brave with the walking thing and I am so ready. He is so smart. Silas has his own temperament. He is a good baby and is mellow for the most part unless he is hungry or doesn’t feel well then he is a bear. Other than that he is very alert and getting very big. He goes to the doctor this Friday for his two month shots and check up! I think we might be switching his formula again because this one is not helping with the gas situation. Maybe the spit up part but not the gas. So we will see.

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us it means so much and was and still is needed. I need good solid prayer until after January 25th. So far all prayers have been answered.

Lexi and Jordan are doing well. Lexi getting to big for her own good. Jordan I have a time with him sometimes with his autism. Autism is just a hard thing to deal with. And he has autism spectrum disorder so there are a few different things affected. He is so defensive and gets upset for no reason some times. Telling him n sometimes is a huge fit. You pretty much no if you tell him no ahead of time that your going to deal with a horrible fit. There are other times he will cry just about anything. Like randomly about our dog that passed away over 2 years ago. Lots of different things. Then there is that with somethings he is just not at a 8 year olds understand ing he is more at like a 6 year old at understanding certain things. And he rambles alot and sometimes says things that make n since what so ever. It breaks my heart when he gets upset and says things like mom you just hurt my feelings your making me sad. Sometimes he will get very hateful but when I stop him and say your not speaking very nice words or correct whatever his actions were at the time and then tell him to go think about it in his room he will usually come out in about 10 to 15 minutes and then tell me he is sorry and we will discuss it. I guess the biggest frustration of all is him just not paying attention. I can tell him something 5 times and I will have to tell him another 5 before it gets accomplished. It gets frustrating, but the only way to really get anything accomplished is by staying calm. Spanking is not really an option with him it makes things WAY worse so it just doesn’t happen and really never has had to happen. I have never had to spank any of my kids really. Maybe a pat on the butt when they were really little but that is about it. With Lucian all you really have to do is sa ahh ahh ahh and he will stop but he has been trying me lately to see what he can get by with. He kept slamming my cabinet doors in our kitchen and i had told him no and so I sat him on the couch and he would get up and after about 3 times of putting him there he sat there and then he understood. He is so smart. And of coarse Silas he is to young to understand!!! But he is a smart boy.

It has been so cold out side. This morning was horrible, I woke up Silas and Lucian woke up at the same time. I had to take out the dog and it was so icy I fell down the stairs on my butt all the way down as the dog drug me. Talk about mad. Our steps and side rails were a solid sheet of ice. So not a good time. Then I go to get the kids dressed and Lexi was throwing a fit about what she wanted to wear. Then our stupid coffee pot decided to stop working so I had no coffee. Not good not good. Talk about the wrath coming through, that topped my mood.

But all in all so far everything is ok. I will be back with updates when I can Silas is calling for me he is a little attention getter.

So We have an appointment in the morning. Please Please pray that everything turns out for the best. I am really worried and we truly need a miracle. January is almost over then I can start my new year, I am so ready to go back to work and to start making money again so that we can get to were we need to be to get he things that we want no matter what it may be.

I am planning on starting work again like the first or second week in February if I can. I am going to need to make all the money I can. We are eventually planning on a new house and a new car. Not int hat order but still.

We are all feeling much better for the exception of Silas and he is not sick he is just cranky. A mix in between colic and teething. I am almost positive he is teething his eye teeth. I put my finger in his mouth to feel and he chomped down when I got there and then started balling. I put some baby orajel on his gums and he fell asleep. Finally that poor little guy has cried on and off for about 10 hours. I feel so bad for him. So maybe now he can get some relief. I gave him some tylenol and it didnt really seem to do the trick but this seem to or he was so tired he couldn’t stay awake any longer one of the two.

Maybe I spoke to soon. He has been so fussy all day today. I thought my daughter was fussy man not nearly this bad. I am not use to this at all. And Lucian is such a happy baby for everything he has been through. So it is a huge change. It will all get better in time. Before I know it he wont be a baby anymore so I enjoy it while I can. Anyways I have to get off of here. Please say a prayer for tomorrow. i will be abck with more updates as soon as I can.

“I love my family so much they are my life”

So I still have a few things to situate but I do feel alot better. I just have had so much going on sometimes any little amount of unneeded stress doesn’t help with what you already have going on. Of coarse some miscommunication doesn’t always help either.

Anyways Lucian is very sick he has been vomiting ,diarrhea ,fever. Lexi just got over it all and Jordan is doing the same as Lucian. I hope Travis and I don’t get this. My stomach doesn’t feel very well but I am hoping alot of it has to do with stress. I swear if I get the flu after getting the flu shot I am never getting another flu shot ever again. It is bad enough that Lucina got a flu shot and he still got it. But I cna pretty much bet on him getting it atleast once just hopefully with the shot he doesn’t get it as bad. But if that is the case I would hate to see him with out it because he is one sick little boy right now. And Jordan I feel s bad for him all they have done is vomit vomit vomit and Lexi she only vomited that first day about 3 times and then she was done.

I am trying to cut back on my coffee today because I have been drinking way to much of it lately. And if my stomach don’t feel good it is probably not what I need. I am waiting on the doctor to get back with me again about Lucian. I will be back with updates when I can.

It’s whatever, I don’t care anymore I seriously give up. i really do I give up. I can’t seem to get to the bottom of anything anymore and I simply don’t want to worry about it anymore. I hope things aren’t what they seem but I am not sure. The only things I seem to know anymore is that I love my family more than anything in the world. Other things I am not sure about.

I used to know who I was an now I don’t know if I am coming or going. My horoscope today said that I would be able to sort things out but that hasn’t seemed to happen. I feel like I have been going and going and just don’t wanna go anymore. I rush through the day to get done what has to be done.

I have been told so many times you will never be handed anything more than what you can handle but I am starting to wonder. I am wondering why my plate just gets stacked higher and higher.

I was trying to quit smoking but that is out the door. To much stress I so pose one day everything will calm down and be sorted out and I will be able to stop.

I have been trying to work on my blog more but it is hard to read and even think about writing. I don’t know why I feel the way i feel and that is the thing that bothers me the most. I just want to feel better. I pray that I begin to feel better have lots more energy and that eventually all my questions will be answered. I don’t know how else to look at it. Sometimes when I write how I feel it makes me feel better. I guess it is like talking to your self atleast you know someone is listening to what you are saying.

Sometimes my insides feel like they are screaming. Last night I just wanted to stand up and scream as loud as I could at the top of my lungs. I don’t even know what i wanted to scream but I think I just would feel better if I screamed.

Now today not only is Lexi still sick Lucian is vomiting now as well. I feel so bad for him. He gets so scared when he pukes. He has diarrhea now to. If he was backed up he isn’t anymore. Man you think the shitty situation blog was bad you should have seen this I had poop all over me. I usually have a good stomach but not this time I wanted to get sick I hope Jordan doesn’t get it and if Silas doesn’t have it I hope that he was just spitting up. I am so tired and I try and take a nap sometimes but I have drank so much coffee that by that time it is impossible for me to lay down. It is getting hard for me to sleep at night. Once I am out though I am out until I am awoken. It feels so good.

On one good note I weighed myself at my moms tonight and I only need to loose 10 more pounds to be back down to the size I was before I got pregnant with Silas. That does make me happy.

Lucian is not sleeping comfortably I don’t think he was whining in his sleep. I feel so bad for him I wish there was something I could do more for him. He even had a flu shot. My poor little man. it s so hard to watch him get sick because he has a fundoplication. It makes it really hard for him to vomit. And poor little man didn’t even want t take a drink of water to wash the nastyness out of his mouth.

But I so pose I should go for now. More updates later.

I am just so frustrated. I don’t understand so many different things. i am telling myself over and over again that eventually it will all come to me and that everything will be alright. You know after awhile you just start to wonder. I feel like I have my plate so full right now with alot of things which makes it even harder when your wanting to stack even more on top of that. It gets so irritating. I guess the most frustrating part is not knowing how to handle it all. I keep telling myself things will all line up and work them selves out. I question alot of things. The only things I really don’t question is that I love my family so much. That is a give in that is something that could never be questioned. Today I have a full plate I have three sick kids lexi lucian and silas are all vomiting. Lexi and Lucian are the only ones with a fever though. Hopefully jordan doesnt get this four sick kids vomiting all at the same time with fevers I don’t know if I can do that. It is always worse at night to. I am currently waiting on the doctor to call me back.

I have come to realize and accept alot of things that took me along time to realize. I will not get a break from anything for the rest of my life. I have four kids are you kidding me. Break there is no break insight. I will be worrying about my kids for the rest of my life. I love them so much I could not imagine nt worrying about them. Right now I am just trying ot figure out how to get a solid hour of one single persons time. I start something and have to come to a halt. I tell myself it will be ok. It will be there when I get back. Lexi si sick she got sent home from school again today whne she woke up this morning she did not have a fever. She acts fine like nothing is wrong. i hope she gets over this fast so much for it being 24 hour. I hope I cna keep the other kids well.

At times I feel like I can never do enough, enough for anybody or that it is not good enough. I mean what person doesn’t want to know that what they do is appreciated? I think deep down everyone really does. I havent been in a very good mood lately as if you couldn’t tell I just don feel like dealing with any crap. Especially stupidity or lies.

Less than one week and I get to find out what my new year is going to hold for me. Hopefully I get that miracle I was talking about. I need it and then if I get it I can’t expect another one for the rest of my life because I have already had a few.

Sometimes do you ever feel like you are talking and no one is listening. Sometimes I feel like that as well. It’s like you say things and you think the person is listening but in all reality they have no clue what you just said. Screw it it must not have been that important huh?

I am actually looking forward to going back to work and making alot of money so I can have what I want. It will help get me into shape better anyways. I have a goal weight and I am determined to reach it. I have done it once I can do it again. I am almost there. You just really have to think before you drink anything or shove food in your mouth, like it is 2:02pm and I haven’t had a thing to eat all day long today and honestly probably wont eat until diner. I drink alot and I MEAN ALOT of coffee. I Love coffee. I know I know I get the lecture often enough ti is not good for you. Nothing really is. What are you to expect out of love? That is another question i had going through my head. I haven’t come up with he answer for that one yet. I am getting old I have come to realize that as well. I am 25. Ya ya ya I know there are tons of people out there that are older than me I have heard that before as well. That has nothing to do with it at all what so ever. I am just saying 25 years of my life have gone by before my eyes, I can remember when I was so young and was dreaming of being just 18 and now I am 25 are you kidding me? In 25 more years I will be 50 and those 25 years are going tot fly by so fast i cant tell if i ma coming or going and I dont think I am ready for that I don’t thank anyone is. The question is what do you consider a full life?I guess everyone probably has a different opinion.

I am going to stop rambling on now. I have a few things I have to take care of.